it is. I can tell you that I am fine.. i can tell you i am living the most of life with happiness until the day and call comes that we get to go for drew.. but it would be a big fat lie.
i am growing weary. i have been mad at God (did i just say that outloud?) and He has allowed me those feelings. I am His child and he allowed me to have my huge pity party. I pulled my big girl panties back on and thought - whew - glad that is over! but is it?
I feel down. I feel defeated and have often asked, Lord why have you forsaken me? Do I seriously need to learn a lesson again? Can't you just once give us a blessing without all the trials and lessons?..
Of course Bob stepped a whole foot away from me as I asked that ;O> but seriously I am asking with a childs heart. And I know full well that God has BLESSED my life in SO MANY ways on so many occasions just because He felt like it. So really it was me whining about something that just wasn't true but felt true.
We are at 100 days for LID, 114 LOI and 93 PA. So on Monday it would be 103 lid, 117 loi and 96 pa.. not that I am counting.
It is beginning to look a lot like daniels adoption timeline. I really wanted to be there for his 2nd birthday.. in Sept.. the thought that we might be able to squeeze in with a group leaving in two weeks.. then I thought perhaps by Thanksgiving.. although I dislike the thought of not being with 2 out of my 4 children.. it is doable.. NOW it is pushing it to make it by Christmas. And I just couldn't bear being with the girls for Christmas.. nor is it fair to anyone to say here are the girls.. have fun (seriously, i wouldn't be that crass)..
We were matched in July 06 for Daniel and adopted him 30 Jan 07. YIKES
We were matched in June 08 with Drew and ... who knows. what I do know is that I am calling for prayer. I would love to feel the peace of Jesus. The peace I had for MONTHS prior to being matched, and soon after. I desire to be at peace.
No matter how many people tell me "it is in God's timing" I know that.. really I do.. but it is like hearing.. "oh you'll get pregnant after you adopt" it just stinks hearing it. and sometimes it just isn't true. I didn't get pregnant after we adopted. which is fine now but geesh constantly hearing it sure didn't help.Sometimes i just want to cry, scream and shout with someone nodding their head or crying with me. ya know. (thank you girls who are crying with me..)
uumm yea.. i am still whining.. and crying.. and waiting.
Pray first for peace for our family as we are anxious to adopt Drew. Pray for me to fully surrender to God once again and keep my surrender there! Pray for my heart to be still .
Thank you everyone - not that there are many people who come over to this site but those of you who do.. you rock!
and lastly, pray God releases my sons papers and we have him home sooner than expected.
God's will be done.
i know i know.. i need to suck it up and trust.. i am trying yet i am this huge work in progress..
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6 comments:
I had a dream about us last night. We were in China. I had the girls and Chinese ladies kept on walking away with them and I had to keep an eye on them or I felt like I would loose them. You and Bob were in the same big room with lots of people, you were sitting in a big row of chairs, chairs full of people in front of you and behind you, and I went over and whispered and asked...have you seen Drew? And you said, "yes, I held him yesterday and he is so amazing." Then I saw Drew and he was wearing a white t-shirt and was round and healthy. It was so strange and so real. I had the dream early this morning and remembered it when I woke up. So who knows. I am praying, praying that is is soon and it breaks my heart that He seems so touchable and so close...yet so far away.
Love ya!
oh Jill....I have no idea how you have done this 3 TIMES!!! I am weary myself....that is until we got our big news...still doesn't feel real! I will be praying for you and that you will travel soon my sister in Christ! By the way, I hate the word "soon", what does that really mean anyways?
Hugs to you!
Kristy
hey, I never did get an email from you for the password to your travel site...I want to see that baby Drew of yours!!
oh Al.. you are so precious. thank you for telling me EVERY detail of your dream. You know how I feel about dreams!!!! :O)))
I am crying right now b/c of your post. It just felt healing.
xoxoxooxo
jill
I am sorry you aren't with Drew. I too KNEW that it would all happen in His time but I didn't want to hear it. You are a mommy waiting for her son, you have every reason to feel down and lonely without him in your arms. I am sure that our Father truly knows why you feel the way you do. Prayers coming your way.
I ache with you. I know how you feel, but I haven't figured out all the answers yet. I just know that God has them, so I will continue to lift you up to Him. I pray you are feeling more encouraged and hopeful!
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