David or Isaiah

David or Isaiah? Do you long for a relationship that is holy with the Holiest? What is preventing you from complete and full surrender? Have you tasted being in the presence of the Lord and if so do you long to stay there? If not, do you long to get there?
I want to be like David AND Isaiah. I want to be a woman after God's own heart like David and I want to be in full surrender like Isaiah and say "Here I am Lord, I will go, Send ME!!" - even before I know the destination.. even after I find out where the "where is".
For years God was placing on my heart a passion and yearning to go minister to the needs of the children He calls His own. Yet I was petrified. I long to go on a "mission trip" and be "changed forever". I was on fire. I was jumping up and down with my hand in the air like a school girl that KNEW the answer.. "over here, pick me, ohohohoh pick meeeeeeee". And like most 'teachers' God knew I knew the answer but wanted to chose someone else this time that was reluctant to go.. to mold them and have them rely on Him only.. I keep hearing in my heart, "wait child, you are not ready yet". I would reflect on this and ask - why am I not ready yet. With a wounded pride and disappointed heart. I wanted to go NOW . Isn't it just like our world today.. get [it] in our minds and BAMM make it happen nooooooowwwww. So I waited.. for YEARS. I knew that I needed MAJOR areas in my life pruned. So my heartfelt prayer was to weed me, groom me and search my heart Oh Lord for the issues that I am not aware of. Heal me. Prepare me for your work.
I am bruised.
The weeding I endured was nothing like Job, yet I did often refer back to Job while being weeded. How did he react, what did he say, think, feel.. I also found new insight to the day Jesus died. The beatings, the ridicule, the spit.. He never said anything. Never pleaded His case.. never. And three days later He was ALIVE. I am so ever thankful of the stories that God has given us - to teach us, to show us the way. I love reading the Psalmist David. He is so real, and shows us so much emotion. I have found relief and comfort in the Book of Psalms.
The pruning that took place that even continues today was slow at first. Just as a child is learning to walk.. then it came on fast and furious .. to only again come on like soft waves at midnight on the ever stretching ocean. The mighty one had to slowly begin with me for He knew how fragile my heart really was. Isn't the thought of Him loving you in an intimate way and knowing He knows EVERYTHING about you - yet still loves you like you were the only person alive, enough to drive you flat out on [my] face? Once the tough pruning began, it was only in time that He would allow me to rest.. in Him.
In this time He made it very clear I was going to go to China to spend time with orphans and Sarah was to come also. He put on our hearts that He was also grooming her heart to be a servant. I was giddy to know that our daughter and I were finally able to go into the field. After years of "pick me, please pick me" I started to have doubt about going.. 'what was i thinking' 'did i study enough scripture to be wearing the shield/breastplate and sandals and carry the sword?' It was then through the book of Isaiah - God spoke to me.. my eyes become clear with Isiah 40:28-31, 41:8-15, and 42:1-13
After meditating on these passages a new stirring was evident in my belly. The arm raised saying oohhhohhhhhohh pick me pick me was converted to a humble heart that said 'oh Lord, i am not worthy to minister to their needs. yet, i know I can do this through you' Oh Lord, I am willing and able to go should you find me your servant. I know there are others much better suited for this calling. Lord I only want to love you. How do I love you fully and completely ALL the time with every ounce of my being? How do I trust you ALL the time with JOY in my heart?
I have tasted being in the presence of the Lord. I long to be there again. I am like the ocean, that at times I am tossed around b/c I am at the edge near the sand.. only with my toes emerged.. Lord I want to be in the bottom of the ocean in the stillness of you.. no waves, no drama, nothing but a cleansed soul. I have been both places like peaks and valleys..
So today, instead of jumping up and down yelling pick me pick me.. I quietly wait on the Lord to chose, I tell him, I am willing to go ANYWHERE you chose. I am your servant. I will go with joy in my heart. And if this is not your will in my life I am trusting you. I am obedient, I have learned the call of obedience.. it is trust and joy that I struggle with, please Lord teach me those qualities.
at times I still,by the nature of my heart, yell pick me ohhh my turn.. as I long to get to the place where Isiah was.. a humble servant.. patiently waiting on the call of the Lord. And to be like David seeking God's own heart.
I am but a sinful, ugly person. I am made beautiful by the grace of God. I am a work in progress that continues to stumble and be picked up by the One whom loves me the most.
suggested reading: THe Holiness of God by RC Sproul
From this book/chapter that I am in comes these questions:
Have you ever had an experience in which you were overcome by God's presence, in which you were "undone" by God's presence? In what ways do you need to be refined by the fire of God's holiness? Isaiah's repsonse to God's revelation of his holiness was, "Woe is me," What is your response?